My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
