I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
