I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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