Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
