the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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