You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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