Christians are straight up FREAKS
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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