Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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