WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize