that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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