Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
