I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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