he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
