this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
