It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
