Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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