i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
