My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
