OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
