You just made me feel so damn special
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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