Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Too much gin, very little bucket
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
