Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize