I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
