I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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