I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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