Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
