note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize