totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He shit in the fireplace
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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