listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
