I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
