like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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