Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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