I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
