Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
