I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
