Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
