I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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