i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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