I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
