Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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