Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
