THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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