The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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