The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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