i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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