you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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