I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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