Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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