Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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