you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
