I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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