o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
