this just has baby written all over it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
