Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
