I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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