It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
