he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
