I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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