totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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