you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
