Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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