wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
